The Avenging Fist was supposed to be the Tekken movie, but ended up as Double Dragon meets Torque meets The Fifth Element meets Dragonball Z meets Sammo Hung in a metal fedora meets circa-2001 CGI at its finest. Martial arts fans hate it because it includes about 90 seconds of actual martial arts. Nonsense fans love it!
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Our second selection from listener Cliff’s big box o’ VHS is our second Italian post-apocalyptic whatnot. Exterminators has less sci-fi and than Warrior Of The Lost World, but… it has less of everything really, except drunken boy robots and awkward dialogue. And only one exterminator. Can Trash, Alien and Papillon trust each other and find water? And did they really forget about Fred?
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Lindsay had to work late because of weather (thanks Snowbama), so the three tough guys watched the world’s largest loose-cannon cop wreak havoc on every criminal and Pepsi truck in LA. His partner got killed, and he’s out to do random stuff that eventually sorta resembles revenge! And he doesn’t need any damn evidence!
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Thanks so much to Canadian listener Cliff for sending us a box of great tapes to watch. This one made no damn sense at all from start to finish. And this episode might make no sense because MikeD is now Skyping in. Join us on a descent into Hong Kong (Thai? Singaporean? DC Comics?) madness.
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Great bad music. Great bad acting. Great bad cinematography (shot on the mean streets of NYC at 3AM). A Smithersbot, a bitchbot, and robots with gross glorping melting faces. A robot that looks like Matt Geiger. Listen and commiserate as MikeD is devastated by his 3 pals’ refusal to appreciate the inimitable greatness of Mutant Hunt.
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Warrior of the Lost World sees a superunintelligent talking motorcycle and its oafish rider explore our dystopian future, saving Jimmy Carter and his daughter from Donald “Halloween” Pleasance. Luckily Halloween Pleasance’s empire can be overthrown by six random streetfighters. Darrill, Lindsay, MikeD and MikeR were impressed by the explosions, and unimpressed by the Megaweapon.
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Traxx is an uneven spoof about a cookie-obsessed mercenary vigilante, interpreted by many as a remake of Pootie Tang. Starring Robert Davi as Robert Vaughn, Priscilla Barnes as Stifler’s Mom, John Hancock as Police Chief Biggie Shorty, and radio’s Shadoe Stevens as Pootie Traxx. Can he clean up Hadleyville? And why would he want to? Lindsay, MikeD and MikeR get the facts… on Traxx.
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[gifs] See a burrito bomb, an erotic library romp, a showdown in a brothel daycare, and more!
We watched Russian Terminator! And recorded an episode about it! Which vanished into computer world! We recorded another one, a month later! And here it is!
Plot summary: Carmen Sandiego kidnaps boyfriend of daughter of diplomat. George Lucas goes on a killing spree. Russian ninja pops up here and there. No Russian terminators are seen.
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The problem: criminal mastermind John Lithgow has assembled an all-star team of international bumbling crime lords. The solution: A smarmy DEA agent, a tough FBI agent (Tia Carrere), and a bumbling hitman (Donald Sutherland). Their task: to constantly double-cross each other. Bumbling and huge explosions ensue in this delightful romp from elderly Canadian director Sidney Furie.
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[gifs] Click here to see the crowning of King Lithgow, a 5mph rocket-propelled grenade, and more
3121.
What does AC Slater’s big brother really do in the military? Maybe he’s a drug-addled “virtual reality” pilot hypnotized by his helmet.
And who’s behind the conspiracy? The alcoholic colonel played by Steve “Rail Drinks” Railsback? General Corbin Burnside? The guy with the mishmashed facial hair colors? The short-haired software vixen? Darrill, Lindsay, MikeD and MikeR investigate the truth.
This technoactionadventure from 1994 dares to ask the question “What is virtual reality?”, and answer it with “Virtual reality is when you’re flying an actual plane through actual reality, and your helmet makes it looks like you’re in a video game simulator, and also you need drugs to make it work.” Also stars Elizabeth Gracen, Hal Havens, and Billy Wirth as the hero who resembles Tom Cruise in Top Gun and happens to be named Tom.
7700!
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Forgotten Failures 